Hello 👋,
How are you doing today? I hope this year have been kind to you so far and you have been prioritizing yourself and your needs. If you feel like you haven’t, there is no better time to start. Choose kindness to yourself.
Because of this nasty thing called anxiety.
I learned about attachment styles about 2 years ago while I was trying to get an understanding of some patterns I noticed in my relationships with people.
The earliest experience I had with noticing something peculiar about my attachment style was in junior secondary school- I had this friend I was really close to, we did everything together, but one day, a teacher decided we were too close and placed us in different classes, I cried, I cried a whole lot and refused to leave her side. I was very young, I couldn’t understand what I was feeling but it was so dramatic and serious that the teacher had to put us back to the same class. I’d chalk this one experience up as kids being kids if Ii haven’t had variants of this play out in my adult life.
As I have said a couple of times, I find it hard trusting myself around others, I do not like who I become in relation to others. I worry about everything I do and don’t do, and of course I am not able to communicate this worry to the people involved or anyone really because how do I explain I am worried they would leave me or stop being friends about 12 times a day.
Because codependency
Codependency gets a bad rep, maybe deservingly sometimes but what people miss is that codependent people do not want to be that way most of the time, especially someone who has gained awareness about this behavior. It’s not fun being the person who is constantly holding on to relationships, even when they need to let go, the one person overlooking hurtful experiences, who is too scared to say what they actually think or feel because they want to avoid awkwardness or have an unreasonable fear of abandonment.
Because hurt people hurt people.
If I do not take the time to heal the part of me that needs healing, to listen to my needs and acknowledge when and where I am exhibiting toxic and destructive behaviors either knowingly or as a response to trauma, I’d be hurting other people, I’d be having unmet expectations and be creating a cycle of hurt.
Because put yourself out there doesn’t apply
Telling me to put myself out there is like asking me to take off my left limb, I do not take rejection very well, I feel like everyone who wants to be my friend must really be crazy because what can they like about me, or what’s their ulterior motive. My friend told me someone wanted to be my friend, I liked this person from afar and would also want to be their friend but I spent more time than I should stressing about why they would want to be friends with me when in reality I am this awesome being anyone would be lucky to call friend 😎.
Also, put your self out there is just around the corner of, na me mess up and that’s an alley I don’t want to be visiting.
That’s all for this week.
Life is “lifing” but in a good way this time, and as such, I am super busy. I might be reducing the newsletter to twice a month, I hope you bear with me and stick around.
So dearest reader, why are you running? What is it going to take you to slow down just enough to cultivate and enjoy meaningful relationships with the people in your life. I hope you reflect on this popular quote as you go about your week.
“You haven’t yet met all the people you will love and will you”.
With love
— OMS.
Why are you running?
Amazing stuff!