Hey 👋🏾
I know it has been a long while, I hope you have had a better year than I have since I last wrote on here.
You see,
About a year ago, life changed, it changed yet again and everything I thought I knew of pain, of loss, of living became a child’s play.
I don’t think I have fully confronted my own reality just yet, it’s a whole year today and it’s still feels like I’m living in an alternate universe.
This is probably going to be the most incoherent thing you’ll read from me but I just think I need to write, I haven’t written in a year and to not write is to not acknowledge it and I’ll probably continue to bury the things I’ve been feeling. Maybe if I can’t talk about it, I can put it in the void.
My mum passed or at least that’s what they told me, the doctor said he called it, I still think about it and think about what that even means but that’s what they told me. They say life can change in the blink of an eye and I tell you that is absolutely true, there was no goodbyes, all that there was was the usual phrase of “see ya” but never to be seen again.
I don’t know what to tell you about what happens after, there are no right or wrong ways they said but they have said a lot of things, I don’t even know who they are. It has been a heck of a year, there have been really good times and the really bad ones but one thing is certain, it’s never goes away. It is there on the very good days with good news to share but without her being there, it feels tainted, it’s there on the bad days without her being there because certainly things are worse just by that fact alone.
I’m not sure which is worse, the days leading to when it was anxiety feeding the fear and telling me all that there is to know about what’s going to happen or the days after when indeed yet again for what seems like the millionth time, I was right even when I’d have given everything to not be this one time.
I remember sitting in front of my therapist and telling her what I knew, till that moment, these words lived in the notes I keep of the things my mind conjure, she asked what I would do and that question even though I didn’t do the things I said I’ll do, I didn’t break down as I said would, it stayed with me because she was the only one willing to listen to me, she was the only person thinking of the what next with me, everyone else thought I shouldn’t say that, they thought I just needed to pray but I wanted to be heard, I wanted them to know I wasn’t just saying this, I knew it and it’s a bad thing to know.
As the days go by, it becomes a lot harder to get by, they say time heals all wounds but like everything else, for me it seems like it’s the reverse, I am not sure what to do from here on out, I’m not sure what people do everyday for the rest of their lives when they lose their mother. I don’t want to be angry but if I’m not angry, I’m just sad and everything hurts, it’s hurts so badly and there’s no stopping it.
You know when they say let people know how you feel about them, give people their flowers and all of that variants, I have come to realize it isn’t about the dead, they don’t know anymore, they don’t care what we think, it’s about us and the thoughts we carry around, it’s about words left unsaid, questions left unasked, it’s about the living.
My mum passed and now I feel exposed, I feel like my covering from this bad world is gone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do about the dreams, I don’t know what to do. I lost what cannot be found again.
If you see this, it means I mustered the courage to post it, please pray for my mum, she was the best at being a mother and human.
I hope I write again,
OMS.
I'm so sorry for your loss. May Allah comfort you and May Allah Grant her Aljannah.
اَللّٰهُمَّ اغْفِرْلَهَا وَارْحَمْهَا وَعَافِهَا وَاعْفُ عَنْهَا