Self loathe and Anxiety.
You see, I have never really liked myself. Not to sound dramatic but I pretty much hated myself.
I still don’t like myself very much but I’d like to believe I have been making some progress recently.
You see, learning about self-loathing put some things into perspective for me, I finally understood why I am so self-critical, why compliments bounce off my back but what I translate as negative or even slightly critical feedback by others remain stamped in my brain. I never extended the grace I had in abundance for others to myself, what I’d give others a pass for I’d beat myself up for.
I used to write down notes "predicting" the worst possible outcomes of situations and almost always ended up being right-like some weird opposite manifestation thingy, whatever that would be.
I would make fun of myself when I failed or when my instincts were right about something I had ignored, I rationalized this as me using ‘humor’ as a coping mechanism to dull the blow of the hurt or whatever was making me feel less than worthy but I was really just cementing the self-hatred.
I have come to learn that self-loathe is an indication of something deeper and letting these thoughts run wild over the years and not questioning them has led to insecurity, depression, and heightened anxiety. This also meant that I listened to people berate me and accepted it because how could they possibly be wrong when I thought the same of myself, sometimes even worst. I readily accepted every fault ascribed to me because I accepted that I was the one that was always lacking and somehow being less than.
I ALWAYS assumed the worst of myself which in turn worsened my anxiety dealing with situations because in my head there was no way I could possibly do the right things and make the best decisions- I constantly question myself and this has a way of crippling the mind. The intrusive thoughts such as: "I can't seem to get anything right", "I am so dumb", "Why would anyone want to put up with me" and so many others. But I have been learning healthy ways to redirect and silence these voices, and most importantly practice self-compassion.
I don't expect to suddenly become the queen of self-love and magically start spreading rainbows and sunshine (because lol) but I have since learned how to recognize the voices of hatred and condemnation in my head now and actively question these voices and be deliberate about recalibrating my thoughts. Because honestly, two can and will play this game!
This is obviously easier to say (type) but it is definitely a lot of work that requires a lot of introspection which is uncomfortable, to say the least. But these are tips I have committed to and have helped me:
Daily and deliberate practice of self-compassion and kindness through self-check-ins, and positive affirmations. (PS: positive affirmations can be hard and sometimes feel a tad silly)
Separating myself from the voices in my head is especially difficult because it's hard deciphering between the voices in my head and intuition.
Extending the grace I have for others to myself
Questioning negative thoughts.
Genuinely accepting compliments and believing them.
This piece was difficult to write as it took me to a dark place but I hope it pushes you to question how you are with yourself because that largely determines how others are with you. I hope you start to practice self-love, recognize your worth and advocate for yourself. Even when it feels strange and uncomfortable.
If you have had any experience or are currently dealing with self-hatred or anything similar, I'd really love to read from you. How it has affected you and if you have gotten a hang of it, please do share tips of what worked for you!