Hey 👋,
Did you miss me? Nah, don’t answer that. I cant bear to hear the truth 🫠 but anyways! How are you and how have you been? How’s life treating you and how are you treating yourself?
It’d be futile to say I miss who I was before life happened, I honestly do not know who that was. Sorry to that girl.
It feels like I have been floating around for the last couple of years, and never really landing anywhere. I don’t feel at home anywhere, both in body and in mind. There seem to always be some form of chaos, fires that need putting out at every turn- one might argue and say that this is life, it isn’t meant to be linear and I will absolutely agree with that but even the most nonlinear things have some brief moments of flatlines and stability, no?
I have been running a marathon with no destination in mind, I am running for my life because the thought of being stuck, of being consumed by the thoughts that goes on up there is a lot. The times I have paused to catch a break from running are plagued by reminders of why I am running.
I have gone from loathing myself to loathing everyone else. I can’t explain this, maybe one day I’ll be able to make full sense of it and put in clear words- but what I do know now is that it feels like as I move away from the place of being everyone’s doormat, of taking people’s every word and actions into account as I go through life, there’s just a dislike for a lot of humans.
I can’t seem to find my happy, can’t find a memory that doesn’t seem to be tainted with some bitter reminder of dark times or from the expectation of impending doom. The truth is, I've given up on happiness; it's too lofty a goal, and it's not going to happen. All I want is to be able to properly exhale, to recognize the good ol' days, and to logically enjoy moments of peace and contentment.
I have unlocked a new level, a level of acceptance that I have been beaten in the game of life, that I can only try but I most likely won’t win (life throws some serious punches),maybe this is a good thing and I can now live realistically knowing that there’s nothing here for me to win-can’t bear a grudge against man or God if you have accepted that there’s no winning this. I have been defeated and I know when to throw in the towels.
If you're reading this, please don't be sad for me because I'm embracing acceptance. Instead, I'd rather you take better care of yourself and be more aware of your emotional well-being so you don't join the sad girl club.
I am throwing myself a pity party, and it’s a party of one because all the entertainment is supplied by the voices in my head and I wouldn’t dare subject anyone else to that.
Please don't be sad, find your happy if you can, don't let it be affected by life's happenings and upheavals, and don't let people who don't truly see and hold space for you drain you of your essence, it may not look like it right now, but you have a limited amount of it. Be aggressive in protecting your joy because it fades.
Until next time!
Take care of yourself and remember, no one is coming to save you, so save yourself!