Emotions are a gift.
Hi there 👋,
I hope the past week has been kind to you and have left you with some hope for the coming week. However the week has been, please take care of yourself without guilt and remember that you are deserving of it on all days.✨
Anger is an emotion I have gotten used to in the last couple of years, I wrote about it in the past-it’s an emotion that has become all too familiar, no matter what my overall emotional state is, if I am made to name them, anger would likely be listed more than once. However, I don’t mind it for the most part, it is a reminder of where I am and how I got here.
I used to throw things when I was younger, my phones were the victims of my private anger, I have flung more phones than I have communicated how I felt.
Recently, I have felt that anger dissipating, I have always relied on this feeling to keep me grounded, even when I was somewhat numb, it lurked around somewhere, not just as consuming. But these days, I feel absolutely nothing, like I am just…done. I feel apathetic towards everything and that sucks because I have a lot of things to either be doing or be looking forward to at the moment but I can’t bring myself to. I am a lot more vulnerable now because I have no emotions to act as a cushion.
I have learned that anger is a protective emotion, obviously not the best kind of protection depending on context and how it’s expressed, but it can be protective. Personally, not being angry means I get to experience all the emotions I have been avoiding.
I don’t like this empty feeling, I don’t care for it at all, it’s a familiar one that I haven’t felt in a really long while. But I know better now, I am aware of where I am emotionally and know that any decisions I make now will probably not be my best, it still puts me on edge thinking about what might come up and how I am unprepared for it at this time.
This bleakness will either take a while as it has in the past, or maybe, just maybe be easier to get through this time around and I go back to being an angry bird. However long it takes, I am reminding myself that everything I’m feeling or not feeling is all valid, and is all part of the process of becoming and that I know where I am, what I can do and should do in this period (which consists mostly of a lot of wallowing) should be enough.
I wish I had more positive words or cutesy anecdotes to close off this week but hey, e do be like this sometimes, we take the good with the bad and build one huge castle of meh with it.
Do take care of yourself and guard your emotions at all cost.
With love,
—OMS ✨✨