I am struggling.
I know it seems like that is all I ever do, but I have been struggling a lot more lately, I am unable to get myself out of this funk and I have absolutely no motivation to do so.
I hate it here.
I hate that I get pockets of happiness or small moments where it seems like things could be better, that I could be better. But they are fleeting and far in between, wrapped in an oversized cloak of misery.
I hate that I can’t look forward to things because my mind destroys them, it comes up with ways to make things miserable and scary. I hate that I am my own worst enemy and cannot seem to fight hard enough for myself without letting my mind win.
I hate that I can’t be vulnerable and appreciate my support system enough, I can’t tell people what’s going on because I do not know what it is this time, I only know I am not at peace. I can’t lean on people when I don’t know why I need them. I don’t want to be pitied, I don’t want to be treated differently whether deliberately or not.
This is not a very gracious post, others have it worse but this is my own worse at this time. The feeling that I am continuously losing my mind, that this absolutely has no end and I can only hope that I am not fully consumed by whatever is going on in my head.
I have had multiple panic attacks these past weeks, I have had to carry on regardless because what are panic attacks in the grand scheme of life?
I am not coping, I don’t have any coping mechanisms to wield and somehow will myself to be better. I don’t have grace to extend to myself, I am out of graces.
Maybe one day things truly get better, maybe by some sheer dumb luck my mind doesn’t win this battle against me. But that day isn’t today, it wasn’t yesterday and it most likely won’t be tomorrow.
Stay safe and safeguard your mind✌🏾.
I don't know exactly how it feels because I am not in your shoes, but I can definitely relate.
Please do not let go of the glimmer of hope you have. You'll get through this and it will be better.
Stay strong, and remember that our minds lie.
Ps: go through your journal and see how far you've come. You ARE making progress. The sun will rise again and this darkness will go away.
💕 🤗
I hope today is not that day. I hope today is better. I hope there’s sunshine today. I hope the plants are green today.
I hope because that’s all I’ve got of the two options where the second is not executable.
You, my darling, are entitled to feel all you feel, no comparison, no pressure.
I hope the sun kisses you in the right places today.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but these lines came to mind after reading this beautiful piece.